To be honest, my goal in life is and has always been to be happy forever. No more sorrows, regrets or fears for me, please. That may sound ridiculous (well, it does sound ridiculous to me), but that’s the truth.
That is the story of my life. You can always find me where I feel I can find my happily ever after.
I should know better
I really should know better. Being 34 years old now and I already learned that being happy forever is not what life is about. But still, I am searching for it.
Searching for happiness in a relationship
First, I thought a good relationship will bring me everlasting freedom. So I threw myself into any relationship I could find. They were over soon. Then, after an experience that disappointed me very much, I got upset with life. I decided: no more relationships for me. I will stay alone and that’s it. One month later I met my partner, who is now my husband. Being thrilled that I finally found what I was searching for, I was happy. For years. But then some problems occurred, discussions and speaking of breaking up. That destroyed my bubble of everlasting happiness in a relationship. Did I really think, that would do it? Now silly can I be, really?
At the same time, I started yoga classes together with my spiritual search. Enlightenment, that sounds great. Just overcome myself, my ego and all my problems are solved. Yes, please. I was going to a lot of spiritual classes looking for the peace in me. When I took the classes I was in peace. Knowing that I am still who I am, with all my flaws, but being okay with it. As soon as I came back to work on Monday morning that peace disappeared sooner or later. Obviously, that is not working for me or I just couldn’t get over my ego so far. Still, work in progress.
Travelling will be the solution
How about travelling? I always loved to travel. Leaving home and my flaws, my problems behind. Exploring new places, meeting new people held the promise of my happiness behind every corner. It is great. Only returning home and coming back to my normal life kept being disappointing. So, I guessed endless travel means endless happiness. Easy solution, right? But for that, I need also a lot of money.
If I need to worry about money all the time, there is no true happiness. I took a one-year sabbatical, I was travelling through the world, but still worrying about money and after some months I became restless wherever I was. Maybe my luck is hiding behind the next corner. It didn’t.
Discovering sailing gave me a lot of happiness. I learned sailing on swimming school classes in Elba (a little island in the Mediterranean) and there I was always distracted from myself. Great. No money here, though.
Meeting my partner and his already existing plan to sail the world, sounded like the perfect solution. Taking my home with my wherever I go, together with my partner, exploring new places and travel forever, after some years of preparation and money saving. Always being where the sun is. But waiting isn’t some of my strengths. Three years preparation time came along with discussions and unhappiness for me. When we start, everything will get better, I kept telling myself. As soon as we started, the weather was crap and nothing really went smoothly. Bang, into my face.
It all didn’t work
Well, making a really long story short, after big fights on the sea and the plan to divorce, to leave and never come back, I somehow found myself on the bottom of unhappiness. No more relationships, no more money, no more travelling, no more sunshine. Also, I found out that I was not as strong and as brave as I always thought I was. That was a tough one.
Maybe there is just no everlasting luck for me. Maybe I gave up on the idea of it. I enjoy now every moment that I can enjoy. My coffee in the morning, sunshine, when my partner smiles at me. Of course, I am still far away from being happily ever after, but I don’t feel like I am missing out on something. I try to embrace the times, when I am unhappy, disappointment or whatever. I know, there will be better times coming. That’s life, isn’t it? Up and down and up again.
Maybe I can find my happiness in not thinking that worrying about money or having discussions with my partner or shitty weather on the sea will do me any harm.
The grass is the greenest where you water it
A quote that I found was: The grass is the greenest where you water it. So, wherever I put love and my full attention to, that’s what will grow and flower in the end.
Embracing my life and who I am is not easy but so far the closest to be happy forever.
How do you feel about this? Are you always happy? What makes you happy? Let me know.